The Things I Hated Him For
by SunRise19
Summary: A story from a woman's point of view as the love of her life goes off to Jamestown only to return years later married to someone else..PLZ RR!...COMPLETE
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hi all!

Yes it's me, I've been busy lately and not to mention I've had horrible writer's block for what seems like forever. I hope you'll enjoy this story, it's not going to be very long; maybe 1 or 2 more chapters, and the most is 3. As always, any thoughts, ideas, suggestions feel free to email me or leave them in a review. I love reviews they're what keep me writing!

Please RR and tell me what you think!

P.S. If you can think of a better title than this; let me know. It was all I could think of at the time.

P.P.S. This was originally going to be a one-shot, however more ideas just kept coming and this is what you have so far.

Enjoy!

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"You know I'll come back once my mission for the king is completed," he stepped back from me, his blue eyes never leaving my face however I could tell that they, like him were seeking a new resting point.

"John," I reached a hand towards my friend for three years and lover for three months, "Must you go? My brother will be glad to give you a job at his store, you have your mother's house that she gave to you, and you've got some money saved away…"

He cut me off then with a shrug, "I spent the money on this voyage; I'm sorry Kate, I truly wished to go on this voyage however despite this being for our king I had to pay."

This was the sort of thing I hated him for;

"Thank you captain Smith for discussing it with me," I spat, my blue eyes flashing in anger, "I do hope you have a splendid time upon that ship."

He moved towards me then, placing his strong arms about my form, "I'll get that money back Kate, a hundred times full when we come back with all the gold that Virginia has. I'll fight some savages, save a few lives, and come back to you when I'm done."

I fought the urge to give in to him, however my blasted heart sped up and my arms were snaking around his neck as I held him close to my body, "Please be safe John; and just know that if any savage tries anything in means of harming you they will have me to deal with."

His rich laughter filled my ears and I smiled up at him as he bent his head and claimed my lips that could have made the earth move, "Don't worry your pretty little head over savages, and leave that to me."

This was the sort of thing I hated him for;

"I'm just a pretty thing to you?"

"You're much more than that," he winked as I followed his eyes to the neckline of my dress.

"You're a scoundrel," I said my voice even.

"You love me for it," John said as he crushed me against him, "Do you not?"

These were the things I hated him for, his mocking of me and the life that I so desperately craved with him;

"John," I spoke with his body so close to mine, "Just promise me that you will come home safe."

John smiled as he replied, "I've promised you the moon; don't you remember?"

His deep voice was as soothing as I felt my knees go weak as I gazed in to his ocean blue eyes, "Come back to me John, body, heart, and soul."

He released me then, sighing as he lowered his eyes from my own, "I'll make it back, and do not worry about me."

He turned from me and I watched him disappear down the dock and towards the ship. These were the things that I hated him for, his constant leavings and his constant returns. Along with his returning came the rumors that he had been with so and so, drinking and having a wonderful time while first Elizabeth, then Molly, Amy, Maria, and then me; Kathleen Brown had to deal with it all. As I watched the ship pull away from the dock, I marveled at how everyone had someone to say goodbye to. The captain of that ship didn't even face me, his back to me and his eyes gazing at the horizon ahead. I sighed as I turned my own back on the ship and walked back to my mother's house that we had shared since my father died a year ago. As I walked home, the afternoon sun lighting my path I thought about how John stood upon that boat, his eyes fixed on what lay ahead of him. Would he always be like that? Searching for something that was right in front of him?

"I'm the one you want John Smith," I whispered to myself as I made it up the steps to my house, "Hopefully when you come back you'll see that and stop searching for…"

I stopped as I reached the door; just what exactly was he after?

"Did John go off safely?"

My mother greeted me as I finally walked through the door, it slamming behind me as I did so.

"Kathleen," my mother Martha chided, "Is that any way to close a door?"

"I'm sorry mother," I replied as I walked in to the kitchen where I saw my mother preparing our early dinner, "I'm just a bit upset."

"About what love?"

I smiled as she ruffled my hair, just like she had done when I was a little girl. The word of affection had stuck as well as the years had gone by.

"About John Smith," I replied, my mother sighing with concern as she often did whenever the captain's name found its way to my lips.

"I wish you wouldn't fond over him so much," she said as she chopped vegetables, "He'll leave you with heartache and a tearstained pillow."

"He's already left," I said as I picked up a carrot and began to peal it, "On a ship to some place called Virginia."

I jumped as my mother slammed down her knife; her expression hard, "That, that good-for-nothing man; just picking up and leaving you like that…"

I quickly placed a hand upon her shoulder, "Mother please, he'll come back to me; he said he would. I'm sure with him being away from me for so long he'll miss me so much and he won't be able to wait any longer to propose. He'll walk off that boat, see me, drop to one knee and ask for my hand; I just know it!"

I plastered a happy smile upon my countenance as I gazed at my mother; and she knew it as did I however I said nothing.

"Please go and lay out the dishes," she said as she sighed and turned away.

"Yes mother," I replied as I did what she had told me to do.

Both of us knowing in our hearts that I was only trying to keep the hope alive;

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	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Hi all!

Thanks for all your reviews, here's the next chapter! I hope you'll like it; I really appreciate you reading and reviewing!

Feel free to suggest anything in this story, and to leave any thoughts that you may have!

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Chapter 2:

The days dragged long and boring as the weeks and finally months went by. I would help my mother with the chores; however one look in my direction and anyone could tell that my heart was somewhere else. I would scrub the floors, cook the meals, and sew the items of clothing that people would bring me however my eyes would be gazing in to a world of nothingness.

Oh, how I missed that man; how I longed for his touch and words as he would hold me in the moonlight that would stream through one of our bedchamber windows. I could not wait for the day that he would return and finally we could start our lives together.

It was the same type of evening that I was sitting out on my front porch, after I had cleaned the dinner dishes when I saw him come up to me. John had not been gone for four months and this man was already seeking me out for the millionth time it seemed to me. No one knew, especially this man that John had shared my bed more than once. I had been disappointed in my god when I discovered that I had not been with child when John had left. Oh how I had prayed on my knees for a child, however when my woman's time had come I was disheartened; for I knew that if a child would have been had John would have married me as soon as his return. Never mind the fact that the town would gossip, I would have my captain John Smith.

I outwardly sighed as I dropped my shoulders as the gentleman was now standing on the last step until he would come onto my porch.

"Its," he began, "It is a very pleasant evening Kate, do you not think so?"

"What do you want, Jack?"

I said, I was in no mood to listen to his ramblings of how much he fancies me;

"Miss Kathleen Brown," Jack said as he actually bowed, "May I please call on you? We could go for a walk, or get something to eat, or…"

"Jack," I started as I stood, "You know very well that I am waiting for Captain John Smith to return from Virginia. My heart belongs to him, so for the last time please leave me alone!"

I saw Jack's brown eyes lower as I gazed at him, "I'll never go for you, and you need someone else to fond over. You shouldn't love me like you do."

"I do love you," Jack Miller said as his brown hair was blown by a slight breeze, "However, if you wish for me to leave you alone I will, just like John when he comes back."

I took a step towards him; my eyes flashing in rage, "John Smith will come back to me; he'll marry me and he will settle down. I know he will; get and stay the bloody hell away from me!"

I shouted as I whirled away from him, and was about to yank open the door when my mother had opened it herself.

"Kathleen," she spoke, "What is going on here?"

"I am sorry Mrs. Brown," Jack said as I heard him walk backwards down the steps, "I will leave you now."

"Get in here," her harsh voice was directed towards me and she grabbed my arm as I half walked half stumbled in to the room, "You know better than to treat someone like that. I saw and heard everything from the window; that poor lad…"

"Mother," I began as I tried to gather my composure, "You know how Jack is; always asking if I need anything, following us as we walk from church asking if he can help us with anything, calling on me when no one adult was around…"

"I see," my mother said as she sat down at the small table in the kitchen as I followed her in to the other room, "He does everything that John does."

"What?"

"John Smith does not do, nor has he ever cared about you. You aren't anything to him Kathleen, just a girl that he has slept with."

"I never…"

"Do not lie to me Kathleen," she yelled as I gasped, "I know him, I know you; I honestly do not know about you Kathleen, you fancy the most, undesirable men. Is this what you want to be doing with the rest of your days; pine over a husband that leaves all the time?"

I lowered my head, "I do not pine…"

"You think about what I have said," she said as she stood up, "It is late, go to bed."

I didn't reply as I walked the short distance towards my room. I knew my mother had to be wrong about him; he'll be different when he comes back. He'll settle down with me; he must.

I cursed as I threw my pillow against a wall as I tucked myself beneath the bed clothes.

'Oh, how I wish I had been with child.'

'Your future would have been set; he would have married you to protect his honor.'

A voice said in my head and I tried my best to block it out, knowing my thoughts were wrong for a good Christian woman like me.

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	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Hi all!

*Clears throat* Yes, I do realize that you may just have to go back and reread this entire story and then read this chapter. Honestly, I think this is my least favorite story that I have written. However, I do hope you will enjoy it and please leave a review on your way out! I just don't like the character of Kathleen, even though I made her up lol..

Thank you for your reviews, they really do mean a lot! They are very much appreciated!

WARNING: Just my opinion this isn't my best work…. Just a fair warning lol.. But I knew and I wanted to finish this. The fic is nearly five years old for goodness sakes!

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Chapter 3:

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It was cold, the kind of cold that wraps one in it's embrace and will not relinquish it's hold until some time later. I sat huddled by the window, watching the ice as it fell from the sky above.

"Mama, can I go outside?"

My eyes were forced to leave the blistery winter day and focus on my four year old child that was walking around in circles about my feet.

"No you can not go out side," my tired voice said, "It is to cold out there you will freeze."

"I still want to go out there," my son wined as his brown eyes looked up at me.

"Leave me alone and go play with your sister," I replied as I turned away from him and continued my gazing out the window.

The habit has not left me, nor has the aching feeling of his departure. I sit alone, raising our two children while he is afforded his eternal rest in his grave. I sigh, knowing that my husband did not deserve me, knowing that he could have done better than me, and in the fact that our whole marriage was based on convenience.

However, worse of all it had been based on a lie; a horrible lie that if it had been another I would not have had to deceive him.

John Smith never returned from Virginia, and for four years I was led to assume that the savages had done away with him.

In a way, one had; done away with our love, done away with my love for what I realized through the years was that it truly was one sided.

Had this savage woman changed him so completely? I did not believe it, until I saw them together just days ago is when I had gotten the word that after ten years Captain John Smith was coming back to London.

I wasn't expecting for him to bring a real live savage woman, I covered my face and held the hands of my son and daughter as they walked past me. They were so close, that I could hear her laughter that sounded like a soft spring breeze as it left her lips no doubt because of some joke that he had said. Their they walked near the side of the street, hand in hand as if they had not a care in the world, as if he had no one that he promised that he'd return to in the world.

I was pulled from my thoughts as I heard a knock at my front door. Immediately, my children William and Ruth stopped playing as my little girl made her way to stand on wobbly legs beside me. I still sat at the window, watching the sky until the knock came again.

"Mama someone is here," William spoke and my eyes flickered down on him.

"Open door?" Ruth inquired her little face looking up at me. It was clear my children wanted me to do something, however in my current state I didn't really care.

After a moment and another sharp knock I warily stood up as William and Ruth ran to the door. Walking over to the wooden door that Jack had carved himself, I fumbled with the lock as I hushed the two children.

The door opened, and it took me a moment for my eyes and heart to believe what I was seeing. There he stood; his blond hair covered by a hat however his blue eyes were still as bright and alive as ever as they gazed upon me.

"Who is it mama?" William asked as I started to shut the door.

"Kathleen please wait," he said as the door was nearly half closed. I cleared my throat as William and Ruth gazed at the man from behind my skirts.

I let out a breath, watching the steam it created in the frigid air before I spoke, "What do you want?"

"I wanted to see how you were doing," he said as he wrapped his coat more securely around him, "I wanted to see you. I have heard that-"

"You have seen me," I started as I began to shut the door, "Now, may you have a good afternoon."

I was angry. I was angry, hurt and cold. I felt empty, my heart long ago freezing over as soon as I had heard of his marriage to a savage.

"Go back to your whore," I snapped an icy tone to my voice, "Captain John Smith."

I watched as he gasped, rather it was from my words or the frigid air I could not tell nor did I care as he spoke through gritted teeth, "She is not a whore. Nor is she a savage or any other name that you are thinking of calling her. She is my wife, she is my life."

"Then go back," I countered, "Go back! Go back to your wife; go back to your comfortable home, your kids, your word, your life! I waited for you!"

I was yelling and I knew it. I was also aware of my two children behind me slightly whimpering however I paid no mind to that fact.

"You," I choked on my tears as I spoke, "You, I put everything aside for you and more! My dignity, my virtue, life, potential husbands, friends, family everything all for you! I waited for you to return to me and after two years and no word from…"

I allowed my voice to trail off as I gazed at him.

"What did I get from it?"

My voice was soft now as I sighed, "Two kids I can hardly support and a dead husband."

"I'm sorry," John said after a moment, "I am very sorry. I had no idea, no clue you took our affair that seriously. I am very sorry Kathleen, I, I honestly don't know what to say…."

"Say nothing," I replied, "Just go."

"I want to make it up to you," he started as I took a step back.

"No," I replied, "There is nothing you can do but leave and allow me to get over this. You have said all that you come here-"

"I did not say a word," he cut me off as a gust of wind blew his hat off. I watched as he plucked it out of the air and grinned, "Can you please let me in your damn house so as I won't freeze?"

I stayed silent as I ushered him in to my home. I shut the door and then proceeded to add more wood to the fire in the fireplace.

"It is a nice place," he commented as Ruth made her way towards him on unsteady feet.

"Want to play? I have doll house-"

"Go to your room William and take your sister with you," I commanded as John sharply looked at me. I paid no mind as I watched the kids go to my oldest child's room and shut the door.

"Kathleen… The kids, they're only-"

"Until you have some of your own do not lecture me on my children," I snapped as I took a seat at the fireplace. I gazed on as John sat down across from me and ran a hand through out his hair.

"Pocahontas and I do not have any children."

"Hmm," I began, "How long have you two been married?"

"Almost nine years," he replied as he sighed, "I know it is hard for my wife to-"

"Ha," I interrupted him with a bitter laugh, "Consider yourselves blessed."

John's eyes widened at my remarks, "How can you say that? Your children look so beautiful and-"

"They are not yours," the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, "I wished, I prayed, pleaded I just wanted… Jack, he never was, never was, I never loved…"

I saw John's look turn from bewildered to disgusted, "Do not take your choices or my choices out on two innocent children. Now, I admit that perhaps I should have written you-"

"Should have?" I yelled as I stood.

"Sit down and shut up for two moments! You are selfish Kathleen, moody, out for just yourself…"

The captain's voice trailed off as I listened with a look of shock upon my countenance, "You, you are everything I am no longer. That is what Pocahontas taught me; how to live and how to love."

"John, I do, I love-"

"Love those children," he said as he made his way over towards the door, "Love yourself, your children need you. I am so sorry for hurting you however do not make those kids suffer for something that was years ago. I know it was my mistake that is why I had to see you. I heard from Thomas about Jack and I'm sorry."

I swallowed hard as I watched him open and then shut the door. I stood in my parlor for what seemed like hours; hearing his words and footsteps fade away in my mind.

I sighed as I sat back down in the chair that was facing the one he had been sitting in moments prior. I placed my head in my hands, blinking back unshed tears. Jack had loved me; despite everything I knew he loved me. Even when I was cold to him for no reason and would push away his affection he had still remained with me.

As I allowed the tears to fall I reflected back once more on John smith. These were the things I hated him for; the fact that he was not only correct in everything that he had said but the fact that he had someone that would be with him until the end of their time with one another.

'You had that with Jack.' A voice whispered to me as I stood from my chair and headed towards the kitchen.

I knew it was going to take time. I was going to try and feel love for my children and try not to be so harsh around them. The fact that Smith was right made me angry yet cleared my head.

"Perhaps I just needed to hear it from him," I said out loud as I bent to retrieve a pot from the cabinet.

That face to face meeting stuck in my mind as I made the dinner for myself and children. As I set the plates around the table William handed me a piece of parchment.

"Ruth and I drew it," he said as he looked up at me, "So you won't be sad no more."

I smiled as I slowly bent towards my son, "Thank you for drawing the flowers, you did a good job."

These were the things I also loved John for. For showing me what was right and what was wrong in his few words to me.

-..-..-End Of, "The things I hated him for."-..-..-..


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